


Final Goodbyes

by Settiai



Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: Episode Related, Episode Tag, Episode: s01e09 Hero, Flashback, Friendship, Gen, Miscarriage, One Shot, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-05-28
Updated: 2004-05-28
Packaged: 2017-10-06 16:46:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/55775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Settiai/pseuds/Settiai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A few days after Doyle's death, Angel and Cordelia have to say their final goodbyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Final Goodbyes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [morbidmuse](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=morbidmuse).



> Originally written for the Doyleathon.

_A sad smile appeared on Doyle's face as he pulled away from her, an unreadable expression in his green eyes. "Too bad we'll never know," he whispered softly as his face shifted into its demonic form, "if this is a face you could learn to love."_

_She felt her heart break as he turned and leapt toward the device that was suspended from the ceiling, and a cry sprang from her lips before she could stop it. As she watched in horror, Doyle's flesh began to burn. His face twisted with agony, but he refused to let go of his grip on the cable. Then, suddenly, there was a blinding flash of light..._

_... and he was gone._

_Her body felt numb, and tears streamed silently down her face. Before she knew what was happening, Angel had wrapped his arms comfortingly around her. She couldn't react though, nor could she tear her gaze from the spot where Doyle had been just moments before._

_And then realization finally coursed through her._

"No!"

Cordelia shot upward, her gaze moving frantically around the room. For a moment, she didn't know where she was, but as the images from her nightmare faded slightly, recognition dawned on her. She let out a strangled laugh, one that sounded more like a sob, before slowly pushing her sweat-soaked sheets aside and unsteadily standing up.

With a tired sigh, Cordelia walked over to a chair that sat beside the door and grabbed the shawl that had been tossed on its back. Then, after pulling the thin cloth over her shoulders with trembling hands, she slowly made her way out to the main room of her apartment.

With a sigh, she collapsed onto her couch. As her eyes shone with unshed tears, she pulled her legs up under her and sat there in silence, struggling to hold back sobs.

_Too bad we'll never know..._

A few tears escaped down her face, and a tissue suddenly came floating toward her. Smiling weakly, Cordelia gratefully took it. "Thanks, Dennis."

_... if this is a face you could learn to love._

In her mind's eye, Cordelia saw Doyle's face shift. His gorgeous green eyes - the ones she had never noticed until it was too late - turned red, and his smooth skin rippled into that of a demon. The face that stared back at her was recognizable even then though, and the eyes that stared back at her were filled with hope and regret... and love.

As the image of the same face, twisted in agony as Doyle's flesh burned, flashed in her mind, Cordelia felt her resolve crumble. Before she could stop herself, a muffled sob escaped her... and with that crack, the well-built dam that had been holding back her tears burst.

*

As Angel stepped into the empty office, he closed his eyes for just a moment. Doyle's face appeared behind his closed lids, the determined light in his eyes no longer surprising to the vampire.

_The good fight, yeah?_

Doyle's voice echoed in his ears, and he let out a quiet sigh as he opened his eyes once more. The office seemed even emptier than it had just moments before, and Angel knew that it would be a long time before he felt any differently. Not for the first time, he cursed himself for dreaming... for daring to believe that he might have found a life worth living, so to speak.

"He wouldn't want you to be like this. According to him, you brood enough as it is."

Angel spun around, shock registering on his face as he realized that someone was there. He had been so preoccupied with his thoughts that he hadn't even noticed the sound of footsteps coming up behind him, nor had he sensed the gentle sound of a beating heart until the familiar voice spoke.

"Harry."

The blonde woman's face was pale, and her eyes were slightly bloodshot as if she had just finished crying. There was a bittersweet smile on her face, however, as she leaned against the doorframe and let her gaze focus on Angel. "I know that this isn't what he would want."

Angel attempted to force a smile onto his own face, but he gave up after a few seconds and merely shook his head. "I thought you had left town already."

Harry nodded slowly, her eyes drifting to the floor. "I'm leaving for New York in a few hours... to visit Maureen."

She glanced back at Angel and smiled at the confused expression on his face.

"Francis's mother," she explained softly. "They haven't been that close since he found out about his heritage. But I called her a few days ago, and when I told her... I just need to be there for her."

Angel nodded in understanding, but there was still a slightly puzzled look on his face. "Then why are you here?"

Harry bit her lip. "I just-- I couldn't leave without at least saying goodbye. For Francis's sake."

With another slight nod, Angel motioned for her to come inside. "I understand. Why don't you come inside? Cordelia should be here soon."

"How is she dealing?" Harry asked quietly as she stepped inside the room.

Angel let out a sigh before sinking down into one of the office's chairs. "She isn't. I mean... it's obvious that she's grieving, but she refuses to talk about it."

Harry shook her head as she sat down across from Angel. "Just like Francis, right after I lost the baby."

A quiet exclamation of surprise escaped Angel before he could stop it, and Harry smiled sadly. A faraway look appeared in her eyes, and a deep sorrow seemed to spring up from somewhere deep inside of her.

"I'm sure that he never mention any of this to you or Cordelia, but... it only seems right that you know."

She took a deep breath and leaned back against the chair before she slowly began to speak.

"We had only been married about six months when I found out that I was pregnant. Francis was ecstatic. He loved the children he taught, and the thought of having one of his own--"

Harry's eyes grew cloudy as she sank into her memories of the past. "I was almost four months along, when..."

*

_Francis Doyle sat on the edge of the chair he had pulled over, his hand clasped around Harry's. Her face was pale and sweat streaked , and tears of pain threatened to escape down her face at any moment. "Something's wrong," she whispered quietly._

_Doyle shook his head, a determined expression on his face. "Nothing's wrong, darling. You're just a mite tired, that's all. You were pushing yourself too hard."_

_Harry shook her head, the fear in her eyes easy to read. "You and I both know that isn't true. There's something wrong, Francis. I know that something is wrong."_

_He gave her a reassuring smile, but before he could say anything the hospital room's door slowly opened. Harry's doctor walked gravely into the room, and in that instant both of them knew. Harry let out a muffled sob as she tightened her grip on her husband's hand, but he merely sat there in silence. His eyes were wide with pain as the doctor sadly shook his head._

*

"Francis pulled away from me for almost three months after that," Harry said softly. "He threw himself into his teaching and never looked back. To tell you the truth, we almost separated then."

"But you obviously didn't," Angel said gently. "What happened?"

"I gave him a choice," she answered simply.

*

_"I can't do this anymore, Francis."_

_Though her eyes were shining with unshed tears, there was a determined expression on Harry's face. "No, take that back. I **won't** do this anymore."_

_Doyle stared at her uncomprehendingly. "Harry, I don't know what you're talking about. I haven't been pushing you aside, it's just that..."_

_"The hell you haven't!" she said angrily, cutting him off mid-sentence. "Ever since my miscarriage, you've done nothing but focus on your teaching. I'm not going through this anymore."_

_Her eyes flashed angrily as she put her hand down on the suitcase that lay on their bed. "I needed you, Francis, but you weren't there. You weren't the only one who was hurt by all this."_

_Her eyes flashed angrily as she met his gaze._

_"You weren't the only one who was hurt."_

_Doyle sighed quietly as he sank down onto the bed, a blank expression on his face. "What did you want me to do? Pretend that it didn't almost **kill** me to lose the baby?"_

_"For Christ's sake, Francis," Harry said as she sank down beside him, "all that I wanted was for you to be there. I wanted someone to comfort me... someone for me to comfort..."_

_She trailed off before letting out a quiet sigh._

_"If you want to keep me at a distance, then I'm gone. If you're willing to work with me, then I'll give us a second chance." Biting her lip slightly, she turned her head so that their eyes met. "What's it going to be?"_

*

"He said something romantic, and you unpacked your suitcase?" Angel guessed, the barest hint of a smile on his face.

"Hell no," Harry said, the sadness in her eyes mixed in with amusement. "He said something idiotic, and the suitcase and I stole his car and drove to the nearest hotel."

Her mirth faded slightly as she let out a quiet sigh. "He showed up about an hour later, and that's when he said something romantic that swept me off my feet all over again."

"How long was it before he found out about his demon half?" Angel questioned quietly.

"Four months," she answered softly. "Four wonderful months."

The two of them sat in silence for a moment before Harry suddenly stood up. "I have a plane to catch, so I better be going." As she spoke, she reluctantly fingered a small package in her hands that Angel hadn't noticed until that moment. "I just wanted to say goodbye... and bring you this."

She handed him the package with trembling hands. "Francis never was a fan of having his picture taken, and I knew you probably didn't have many photos of him. I thought that you might like a few."

"You're right about that," Angel said with a weak smile as he took the carefully wrapped package from her hand. "We only have one photo of him, and you wouldn't believe how difficult it was to get that one."

Harry shook her head slightly before letting her hands drop down to rest on the back of the chair she had just vacated. A hint of mirth twinkled in her eyes as she looked at Angel.

"Try me."

*

_Cordelia placed her hands on his hips determinedly as she glared in Doyle's direction. He seemed immune to the angry waves she was sending, however, and instead of begging forgiveness he merely held his hands up in a gesture of peace. "For the last time, I do **not** want my picture taken."_

_"I really don't care what you want," Cordelia snapped. "I have a gorgeous new apartment with almost completely bare walls!"_

_"What's wrong with the walls being a little bare?" Doyle asked with a shrug. "The walls of my apartment aren't covered in picture frames."_

_Cordelia rolled her eyes and let out an annoyed sigh. "That's because the walls of your apartment would probably fall down if you tried to hang something on them."_

_Doyle started to retort, but he was cut off as Cordelia suddenly turned her attention toward Angel, who was sitting uncomfortably on her couch. "Angel, tell him to sit down already."_

_Angel let out a sigh, but he knew better than to argue with Cordelia. "Doyle, just let her take the pictures already. If you don't, we'll never get out of here."_

_"I don't like having my picture taken," Doyle said tiredly. "How many times do I have to tell the two of you that?"_

_"Okay, okay... I get the picture," Cordelia said with a sickenly sweet smile. "I guess we'll just have to do this the hard way."_

_A slightly worried expression suddenly appeared on Doyle's face, and it only took a few seconds for his worry to be justified. Without warning, he found himself flying through the air. As he landed beside Angel on the couch, several colorful phrases escaped his lips._

_"Thanks, Dennis," Cordelia said with a prim smile as the camera in her hand suddenly floated up into the air. "That's one way to move a stubborn--"_

_"Cordelia," Angel put in warningly as focused on the stormy expression._

_She merely shook her head before walking over and dropping down on the couch between them. Grinning mischievously, she let her head drop down and rest on Doyle's shoulder. After a few seconds, he let out a sigh and shrugged the best he could. "Fine, you win."_

_"Good," Cordelia said with a smile. Her gaze shifted toward the camera that was floating in front of them. "Dennis, are you ready? Everyone smile."_

*

"That sounds like Francis," Harry said with a smile. She and Angel shared a moment of understanding before she glanced over at the clock hanging on the nearby wall. "Damn!"

Harry gave Angel an apologetic look as she quickly started toward the door. "If I don't hurry, I'm going to miss my plane. Sorry to just run out, but--"

"Go on," Angel said with a nod. "You have your own life to get back to."

"Yeah," she whispered softly. She paused for a moment before glancing back at him. "I'm just a phone call away if you ever need anything. Remember that. If nothing else, I owe it to Francis."

I'll keep that in mind," Angel said with the barest hint of a smile. He gently fingered the unopened package in his hands. "You better go. You're going to miss your plane."

Harry shot one more glance in his direction before leaving the office. As the door closed behind him, Angel gently began to open the package she had given him. He froze, however, as he caught sight of the clock himself. A worried expression appeared on his face as he realized that Cordelia still wasn't there, and he quickly put the bundle of photos in his pocket before heading out the door.

*

_His lips pressed against hers, and in that instant she felt a rush of emotions race through her. Shock, joy, pain, fear, love... _

_Love?_

_She had never been kissed like this before, with such passion and emotion... He reluctantly pulled away, and she was shocked by what she saw in his eyes._

_"Too bad we'll never know..." _

_His face transformed, but the emotions that ran across his face remained. As she stared at him, she was surprised to find that she didn't feel even a trace of repulsion. Instead, she felt something stir in her heart._

_"... if this is a face you could learn to love."_

Cordelia moaned in her sleep, but she didn't wake up. A single tear rolled down her face, leaving a wet streak on her pale skin. The shawl she had wrapped around her earlier that morning slipped from her shoulders and fell to floor.

After a few moments, the shawl seemed to float back up from the floor. It hovered above Cordelia for a second before gently draping over her once more, causing her to stir ever so slightly. She still didn't wake up though... not until a few minutes later, when someone quietly knocked on her door.

*

When Cordelia opened the door, Angel felt a sliver of alarm run through him. Her dark hair was lacking its usual luster, and it was merely pulled back in a ratty ponytail. Tear streaks ran down both sides of her pale face, and her eyes were red and bloodshot.

Confused, she stared at him for a moment before comprehension seemed to dawn on her. Her gaze darted toward a clock hanging on the wall, and a sheepish expression appeared on her face. "Sorry, I must have overslept."

As Cordelia's hand self-consciously drifted up to feel her hair, her sheepishness grew, then she smiled weakly and turned back into the apartment "Come on in. I just need a few minutes to change."

She slowly turned to make her way towards her bedroom but froze at the sound of Angel's quiet voice behind her. "Doyle wouldn't want this."

Blinking back the tears that suddenly stung her eyes, Cordelia struggled to keep her voice steady. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Damn it, Cordelia," Angel said softly, "don't do this."

Cordelia blinked a few more times before forcing a smile onto her face. She turned back toward Angel with a sigh, her eyes flashing ever so slightly as she did so. "For the last time, I don't know what you're--"

Her voice trailed off as Angel held up one of the pictures from inside the package he was holding. A younger Doyle, no older than seventeen or eighteen, grinned back at her from the photo.

"Harry brought these by a little while ago," Angel continued, his eyes holding Cordelia's. "She thought that we might like a few pictures of him, and since she's leaving for awhile..."

He trailed off as she took a few steps toward him, her hand unconsciously reaching out to take the package of photos from his hand. Her lip trembled slightly as she stared down at Doyle's face, frozen forever as a teenager.

"His graduation picture?" Cordelia asked tentatively.

Angel nodded before gesturing toward the package with his eyes. "There are others in there. Why don't you look at them? It might help with some of the pain."

"I'm not hurt or anything," Cordelia whispered. "Why would you think I had any pain?"

Angel shook his head as he stepped toward her and laid a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "Because you aren't the only one who's hurting," he said softly.

Cordelia looked away from him for a moment before walking over and sitting down on the couch. Before she could stop it, a muffled sob escaped her lips. Angel was by her side almost immediately, but as he reached his hand out toward her, she pulled away. "No, leave me alone."

"Cordelia," Angel said warningly, "you need to--"

"What?" she asked suddenly, her eyes flashing once more as she pulled away from him. "I need to what? Stop remembering him? Stop seeing his face every time I close my eyes? Stop wondering how things would have gone if I had just done something different?"

_"Too bad we'll never know... if this is a face you could learn to love."_

Her voice was barely audible as she finally looked up at him, tears streaming down her face. Her voice was barely audible as she finally met his gaze. "Why did he have to-- I mean, just-- why?"

Angel gave her a sad smile as he once again attempted to lay his hand on her shoulder. She jerked back slightly at first, but after a moment she slowly relaxed. "Why?" she repeated softly.

"I wish I knew," Angel replied gently. "I wish I knew."

Cordelia's sobs started, and she buried her head in Angel's shoulder. A sad smile on his face, the vampire comfortingly stroked her hair.

"It's only been three days," Cordelia said suddenly, "but I already miss him so much."

"So do I," Angel said quietly. "It still doesn't seem possible that he could be gone."

Cordelia nodded slightly as she pulled away from him, but there was a troubled light in her eyes.

"Do you know what the last thing he said to me was?"

Angel glanced at her, an uncertain expression on his face. She smiled gently, shook her head, and leaned back against the couch.

"He said 'too bad we'll never know if this is a face you could learn to love' and then he... transformed."

She let out a sigh, her hands trembling slightly. "And I could tell by his eyes... when he said that-- he really-- he was--"

Cordelia again trailed off, her eyes filling with tears once more. Angel nodded in understanding as he gently reached out and brushed her cheek. "He loved you."

"I mean, I knew that he was attracted to me," she said quietly, as if she hadn't heard Angel's words, "but I didn't realize..."

A few more tears streamed down her face, and for just a moment Angel could see the scared little girl that she usually kept hidden behind her carefully crafted mask. She glanced down at the picture she still held, and the pain in her eyes shone clearly for anyone who was looking.

"What are we going to do without him?" she asked quietly.

Angel gave her a bittersweet smile. "We'll keep fighting the good fight. For Doyle's sake."

Cordelia looked over at him with a sad smile of her own, and a few more tears trickled down her face.

"For Doyle's sake," she repeated softly.

Angel smiled again as he gently reached out and touched her face.

"And in the meantime, you're going to meet someone nice, fall in love with them, get married, have kids, and grow old surrounded by people who love you."

Cordelia shook her head as the barest hint of a smile appeared on her face. "And then, when I'm old and gray, and you're still looking like someone in his early twenties, I'll get to see him again."

"Exactly," Angel whispered. "Exactly."


End file.
